The pain of losing a loved one right before such a huge celebration is definitely tough to handle, especially for someone like me who takes a while to warm up to people. Losing someone suddenly also means losing a lot of habits, which makes me feel really uneasy. I’ve tried to intentionally focus on every happy moment in my life to counteract the bitterness that comes when memories flood back. I’d like to share some of my insights on this occasion.
I indulged in revelry for a couple of weeks, or you could say I used it to numb myself. Finally, I’m starting to get back to my normal routine. Sometimes, I still habitually reach for my phone to check if there are any unread messages, but then I suddenly feel very relaxed, not needing to spend two or three hours a day chatting about nothing with someone. With those two or three hours freed up, I want to try living the life I really want. Like taking a whim and walking instead of taking a taxi, bouncing along the street while listening to my favorite songs, watching the sun slowly descend in the sky. The photos I take are no longer for others to see, but to preserve this feeling for myself.
It’s hard to describe that feeling as fulfilling or happy. I just want to stand there, close my eyes, tilt my head back, and savor this frozen moment.
We always say to love ourselves before loving others, but what I’ve really discovered is that it’s difficult to truly know what we want.
This is actually my first experience with so-called fast-food love. When I think back on some moments, I sometimes suddenly have doubts. Do I really want a lover, or do I just want someone who can be by my side and support me all the time? Another example, during a busy period in my studies, I was always complaining about not getting enough sleep, thus feeling gloomy every day, and doing all my tasks mediocrely. The same question arises: do I really want an extra half-hour of sleep, or do I want half an hour of time for myself, quietly playing my favorite games and relax without the pressure of study? Or maybe I’m just frustrated with my current state and crave the focused state of immersion in studying.
Short videos, blogs, so many things scatter our attention. Gradually, I also started to feel lost. The state of enjoying learning that I once had is gone, and now I’m just tiredly rushing around. The quiet, frozen moment lead me to ask myself. Do I really wanna begin a new relationship? Am I doing things that I truly like? The answer of it turns out to be no, which also made me thinking of a similar question: are we doing things we really like and enjoy? Maybe we all need to calm down and think about it.
Sometimes, I just draw because I think it can help with my college applications, so I keep drawing and drawing, losing sight of the original intention of calming my mind. If someone asks me if I really like this hobby, I might only say, “I don’t know.” I don’t know if I like it or not. The same goes for undergraduate studies. At a very early age, we’re forced to make a choice: science or arts, or which major you want to specialize in later. But more often than not, we don’t know. We don’t know what we really want, in any aspect. Simply by observing the person’s superficial behavior, such as that painting, it is actually impossible to determine whether the person enjoying that thing or not. The same goes for learning. We can’t judge whether a person likes the subject by their extensive knowledge of it.So look deep inside yourself becomes crucial as it should be. However, analyzing one’s own heart is difficult and painful, requiring a lot of thoughts. Maybe that’s part of the reason we use short videos to numb ourselves.
But this is indeed a very important issue that deserves two or three hours to think about. It covers all aspects of life, whether it’s academics, socializing, or anything else. If you’re feeling lost in your current situation like I was. Turn off your phone, sit quietly in a room alone, and think about what you really want might be more useful than just numbing yourself.
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